Update on the home front

So its been an interesting couple of weeks. Thought I needed a new job, ready to can it all and see about moving back to the country and all those Karma points got cashed in.

For those who are thinking the recession hasn't hit Utah. . . so wrong. Feeling it in the Vet world these days. Because of that work had to cut some hours, and that left me feeling very anxious and sick to my stomach for two weeks. Well as of today I'm going to be okay. All those out there who were worried, and kept me and my struggles in your mind, I love and appreciate it so much, more than you will ever know. I'm not going to say thanks and I don't need the thoughts, but more, keep em' coming. My life will be stable for now, we'll just have to see how the next few weeks pan out.

My family - I love you! I miss you!
Lynn

Haunted

I wade continuous in my own thoughts

as the sun sleeps on the other side of tomorrow

in hours where my body may be tired

but I am alive in waking dreams

From outside my lucidity in the fog and shadow

that is where your ghost and memories

come to haunt me

Would anyone believe that here secluded

I breathe in your smell and see the striking blue within your eyes

With my senses numb to all that envelopes me

I feel your soft fingers grasping onto mine

Why when the bright morning breaks the silence

do you fade away

Taking all I was and leaving me

dead in waking dreams

I'd be me

The things we could take back,

Had we known how it would end.

Crushed with the silence of September,

As autumn chilled the spine.

Grasping for reason and searching for truth

Running away, and hiding from you

Plans up in smoke

As the mountains turned to fire

Unable to breathe and

Lost because I couldn’t see

So quick to feel and so slow to think

Heartbreak abounding with sanity unraveling

Anger a summer night, and love the fall

It was easy, and so was I

Who were we then

In the long nights of whenever

Foolish children for thinking forever

Dropped tears on gravel and the miles between

Just running away from feeling

Trying to find what was once me

Now we can’t share what’s hidden

There are lies of fine and free

The things we could take back

Had we known how it would end

I wouldn’t let you pierce so deep

And never let you see

I’d be less of us, and more of me.

"Are Snails really THAT bad?"

This isn't a usual post for me, but it is a rant so it belongs here. I have a poll for all of you, "Are Snails really THAT bad?"

Now before you answer let me give you a little information. . . and remember people I see this every day so before you argue with me because I'm not a Veterinarian just a Veterinary Technician, know that I've been there overnight, with the animal and its not fun to watch. . .

First off I want to give you a name, Metaldehdye. Sounds nasty right, well its the toxic ingredient in most snail baits. Now do you want to hear what it does when your dog gets into it?

Panting, excessive drooling, vomiting, followed up with seizure, muscle spasm, tachycardia (fast heart rate), respiratory failure and if not treated quickly DEATH.

Now also know there is no "antidote" for a Metaldehdye poisoning, just symptomatic care, which is not cheap. Your looking at 2-3 days in the hospital for your pet. Now this isn't your comfortable fluff my pillow, bring my pudding, kind of hospital stay. The last animal I stayed over 2 nights with had muscle spasms the entire time. That's 20 hours of cramping and twitching that your animal is going through. (And remember thats just the time I spent with the dog, there were people there during the day watching this too.)

Last night a 16 week old puppy came through our ER, full on seizures, foaming at the mouth, unresponsive to stimuli, all thanks to that wonderful toxin.

We all love our gardens but is it really worth your best friends life?

So I ask again, "Are Snails really THAT bad?" You tell me, and the police dog I watched die a year ago thanks to snail bait.

Drowning sorrow

Tonight was hard,
but it felt good to drown you in the water
I said goodbye on the surface,
and felt my heart break deep below
I never had a reason
No answer for the hurt
Silence is not golden,
When someone is left in the wings.
Become the man you were ment to be
Sing to me the truth
Or die, deep withing the waves
Of grief.

Sweet Dreams

And now I ask about
Am I enough
for this

Is my heart too small
My mind to big
Am I missing just
That something
To make us fit

Are you unsure
Unsteady in your shoes
Do you need
More time or support

Do I have to ask
Am I enough
For you

Am I in your thoughts
At night
do I occupy
too much time
am I more than what you want

Don’t tell me
That I’m too much for you
That I’m not what you want
That I’m not the only one

Let me sleep
one more night
with this lie

A little rant from work

In my line of work I deal with some things that aren't always pleasant. Today I had one such case. A small dog had been bitten by her housemate about a week and a half ago, and the housemate just happens to be a Rottweiler. Well the owner, who's a medical assistant, used her VAST knowledge of animal medicine to decide that a small bite wound would be okay. Then today calls my clinic claiming its just a small hematoma that needs draining and some antibiotics.
Once we got into surgery for this animal I've never seen such stupid induced destruction! The leg was dead from the inside out. Not a pretty picture I know, it was disgusting. We had to euthanize this animal on the table. The sheer extent of what continued care would have been for this leg if not amputation was too much, and cost played a price too, imagine you loosing a limb and no insurance to pay for it.
There is a bright side to this blight of my day. The husband/boyfriend/father, whatever he was, handled the explanation of loosing a pet to his daughter better than any person I have seen. He was supportive, he was caring, he was sensitive, and most important he was honest. Daily I see adults who don't want to tell their children what has happened, or that lucky just isn't coming home. I was moved by this man, in the gravest of circumstances he was star. God bless him!

Dear Friend,

Dear Friend,

I have this hole in myself. Its been there for just shy of a decade. After the first few years, I didn't feel it anymore, in fact I think I may have filled it with betrayal and hurt.

Today I found the past, in a box, in a place I haven't seen in what feels like forever. It was like a dream, and when I woke it was ten years past. Where did all that time go? Why did we let it?

There is so much that has happened to me, and to you that is lost to forever. Simple instances that once would have shook the world, and today are nothing but flickers. Memories that weren't made because pride became bigger than us both.

Friend, I've spent to long being angry over the superficial, over the hear-say, over the unimportant, over too much that really never meant enough. I think the first step into not ruining the rest of time is for one of us to say we're sorry and I think I'll start.

Nights like this one, when I have so much going on, I need you. That person who never thought I could be the person I was, the person I am. I need that person who even in my not so smart, smart moments, understood exactly what I meant. I need that person who looked beyond the whispers, and became friends with the unlikely.

Friend, I am sorry for not making more of an effort. For retreating when I felt jaded. For not opening up to conversation, for pushing you away. After this long, I don't even know if you think of me anymore, but know every time I drive to the past, I think of you. I think of us. I think of the memories stored in that box.

I'm bigger than that anger, friend. I hope somewhere in your heart, your bigger than it too. I miss you. I miss a friendship that in some other time would never have happened. Too much of who I am, is because of who we were. I don't want to lose that, even a decade later.

So, friend, that hole is open, and waiting for you to come home, if its not too late.

My love, my apology,

Kristalynn

For my family

Hey ya'll!!! It's almost that time where yours truly is moving in on her own again. Giving Randi and Mike their own space, and me mine.
I'll be in my new apartment by Feb 3. The big move is happening on the 2nd. I'll get you all my new address soon. Just wanted to give you a heads up after Feb 3rd, you won't be able to find me with Fay anymore.

Love you all -
See you soon
Kristalynn

Goodbye

Heavy pressure upon my chest
and choking on my own missing breath
Pain through my spine
as I drop to my knees
My whole world has come
crashing down upon me
I scream to the heavens
in the silence of the dark
This minute, this moment, this memory
nothing but broken,
agony,
of goodbye

New Year

I have never been the kind of person to make resolutions. I don't like to break promises, especially ones to myself. However, this year I have decided to make some resolutions that I think I can keep.
My resolution is to remember who I was. I have changed so much because of bitterness over the last few years, that I have lost who I was. I was fun, out-going, and not afraid meeting people. What happened? I have no idea, but im planning on getting back to who I was.
This year i'm moving back in to an apartment with myself, I think thats the first start.
Living with my sister has been great, we became best friends, but somedays I feel its at the point if I don't leave we won't be talking. Just a feeling.
I do really well on my own, so I think that will be the first step in reclaiming myself.

I know its not a long list of things to change, but in the long run, its a lot more than most people think