Wishing I was more supportive

Tonight my body is in Salt Lake City. I'm in the ICU watching after my patients as usual. There's always a dog panting, a cat meowing, or a puppy crying for someone to hold him. This is my usual, and I'll do the same thing tomorrow and the day after that.
Today however my heart, mind and soul are hundreds of miles away. My family has had a hard year. Mom got cancer, my nephew was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, and my brother is going through a bad divorce. Today is his preliminary custody hearing, and even though I want to show him how much I care, and support him, I can't, because I'm here.
I feel like I haven't been much support for any of them this year. I try to be there when they need, but with work and the cost of living, plus gas to get from here to there, its hard. Am I being selfish?

I want to be there for my sister when her son goes through all of this, to give her a hug or watch him for a minute so she can catch her breath.
I want to throw my arms around my mother every day, and tell her how strong she is, and that if anyone can beat such an evil disease it's her!
I want to take a truck ride with my dad, get him his vanilla ice cream and go sit at the lake, not talking, just enjoying the mountain air, and waiting for this fish to bite.
I want to show my brother I love him, and that even though the worst is happening to him, there is still love in this world.

But I can't.

If the stars could carry feelings
and the wind could tight embrace
I'd send my heart in the clouds
To you
This and every single day.

I love you everyone, I want to be there today. More than anything.

Kristalynn

Day 2 (starting the photo challenge again)

Day 2 - A photo of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

Everyone, meet  my sister Randi. She will be the first person to tell you I'm hard to get a long with. The two of us have been through the horrors of growing up, growing apart, and growing back together. 

After high school Randi moved away. A whole state away to the wonder that is Jackson Hole, Wyoming.  It could have been to another country. We changed. Then two summers later I joined her on this adventure of discovery. What we found, was neither was who the other used to be. This wasn't a bad thing, just a really tough learning experience. There was a lot of fighting. Phone calls home to get a mediators point of view, but after three summers together and too many ups and downs we were finally figuring it out. That's when I left. 

I went to school back in Utah, for me second year at Utah State. She stayed in Jackson. I missed my sister every day, but God forbid I told her that. The halls and classrooms were lonely without someone who knew you. Family to keep you grounded. I visited her when I could, but the visits got far and few between. Thats when she left Jackson and headed another world away. 

Years went by she went to school in Southern Utah, I stayed in the north. Then she got married, and moved closer. We spent more time together, but I was restless and needed to escape. So I left for the wilds of Alaska. 

I came home when she needed me, and more so I needed her. She was getting a divorce, and I was homesick. We moved in together once again. That was the best two years to date. Those summers in Wyoming had prepared us for this living situation, and the time apart had helped us to learn that we complimented each other. 

Eventually Randi remarried. She now has a wonderful husband and young son. I thank my parents every day for not letting us kill each other back when we wanted to, and thank God for giving me such a wonderful sister and best friend.

Starting Over - lets try this again

Hey all - its been about two years since you have heard from me. I got quiet, I know, but the truth is I got depressed. This isn't something I ever though would happen to me, and it took me a very long time to figure out what was going on. First it was just frustration. Being irritated too often with the little things. Then came the break ups, and friends moving away. Friends getting married and life just moving in too many directions to handle. The straw that broke it was the big ol C. My favorite person in the world got cancer. I imploded. I tried to hold it together the best I could but people starting seeing a whole new me. A me, I didn't realize existed and one that really shouldn't. So then came a trip to the Dr. for some other problems, and she asked the right questions. The ones you never want to admit because you don't want to feel weak. I was defeated and she could tell. In the twenty minute exam, she knew I was done and finally ready to ask for help. That was three months ago, four months after moms diagnosis, and 18 months after my original breaking point. I'm feeling better today, with medications help of course. I don't cry as much. I get out of bed and put clothes on like a normal human being. I smile, and I listen to music again (you wouldn't believe the things you start to care less about when depression takes over) Now the big thing is regaining my life. One day at a time I'm trying, but I also need to remember who I was before all of this. So I'm going to start writing again. Whether its my short poetry or just answers to questions from my jar, I'm going to start. One rant/post/thought a day. Let me know what you would like to know about me. Or just ask me how I'm feeling. I have to start being honest about this, at least that's what the good doctor said. So here, in the land of anonymity I'm going to open up and share with you who I once was, am, and who I want to be. Kristalynn