Drowning sorrow

Tonight was hard,
but it felt good to drown you in the water
I said goodbye on the surface,
and felt my heart break deep below
I never had a reason
No answer for the hurt
Silence is not golden,
When someone is left in the wings.
Become the man you were ment to be
Sing to me the truth
Or die, deep withing the waves
Of grief.

Sweet Dreams

And now I ask about
Am I enough
for this

Is my heart too small
My mind to big
Am I missing just
That something
To make us fit

Are you unsure
Unsteady in your shoes
Do you need
More time or support

Do I have to ask
Am I enough
For you

Am I in your thoughts
At night
do I occupy
too much time
am I more than what you want

Don’t tell me
That I’m too much for you
That I’m not what you want
That I’m not the only one

Let me sleep
one more night
with this lie

A little rant from work

In my line of work I deal with some things that aren't always pleasant. Today I had one such case. A small dog had been bitten by her housemate about a week and a half ago, and the housemate just happens to be a Rottweiler. Well the owner, who's a medical assistant, used her VAST knowledge of animal medicine to decide that a small bite wound would be okay. Then today calls my clinic claiming its just a small hematoma that needs draining and some antibiotics.
Once we got into surgery for this animal I've never seen such stupid induced destruction! The leg was dead from the inside out. Not a pretty picture I know, it was disgusting. We had to euthanize this animal on the table. The sheer extent of what continued care would have been for this leg if not amputation was too much, and cost played a price too, imagine you loosing a limb and no insurance to pay for it.
There is a bright side to this blight of my day. The husband/boyfriend/father, whatever he was, handled the explanation of loosing a pet to his daughter better than any person I have seen. He was supportive, he was caring, he was sensitive, and most important he was honest. Daily I see adults who don't want to tell their children what has happened, or that lucky just isn't coming home. I was moved by this man, in the gravest of circumstances he was star. God bless him!

Dear Friend,

Dear Friend,

I have this hole in myself. Its been there for just shy of a decade. After the first few years, I didn't feel it anymore, in fact I think I may have filled it with betrayal and hurt.

Today I found the past, in a box, in a place I haven't seen in what feels like forever. It was like a dream, and when I woke it was ten years past. Where did all that time go? Why did we let it?

There is so much that has happened to me, and to you that is lost to forever. Simple instances that once would have shook the world, and today are nothing but flickers. Memories that weren't made because pride became bigger than us both.

Friend, I've spent to long being angry over the superficial, over the hear-say, over the unimportant, over too much that really never meant enough. I think the first step into not ruining the rest of time is for one of us to say we're sorry and I think I'll start.

Nights like this one, when I have so much going on, I need you. That person who never thought I could be the person I was, the person I am. I need that person who even in my not so smart, smart moments, understood exactly what I meant. I need that person who looked beyond the whispers, and became friends with the unlikely.

Friend, I am sorry for not making more of an effort. For retreating when I felt jaded. For not opening up to conversation, for pushing you away. After this long, I don't even know if you think of me anymore, but know every time I drive to the past, I think of you. I think of us. I think of the memories stored in that box.

I'm bigger than that anger, friend. I hope somewhere in your heart, your bigger than it too. I miss you. I miss a friendship that in some other time would never have happened. Too much of who I am, is because of who we were. I don't want to lose that, even a decade later.

So, friend, that hole is open, and waiting for you to come home, if its not too late.

My love, my apology,

Kristalynn

For my family

Hey ya'll!!! It's almost that time where yours truly is moving in on her own again. Giving Randi and Mike their own space, and me mine.
I'll be in my new apartment by Feb 3. The big move is happening on the 2nd. I'll get you all my new address soon. Just wanted to give you a heads up after Feb 3rd, you won't be able to find me with Fay anymore.

Love you all -
See you soon
Kristalynn

Goodbye

Heavy pressure upon my chest
and choking on my own missing breath
Pain through my spine
as I drop to my knees
My whole world has come
crashing down upon me
I scream to the heavens
in the silence of the dark
This minute, this moment, this memory
nothing but broken,
agony,
of goodbye

New Year

I have never been the kind of person to make resolutions. I don't like to break promises, especially ones to myself. However, this year I have decided to make some resolutions that I think I can keep.
My resolution is to remember who I was. I have changed so much because of bitterness over the last few years, that I have lost who I was. I was fun, out-going, and not afraid meeting people. What happened? I have no idea, but im planning on getting back to who I was.
This year i'm moving back in to an apartment with myself, I think thats the first start.
Living with my sister has been great, we became best friends, but somedays I feel its at the point if I don't leave we won't be talking. Just a feeling.
I do really well on my own, so I think that will be the first step in reclaiming myself.

I know its not a long list of things to change, but in the long run, its a lot more than most people think