Am I too late

Now I don't know. . .
Was I wrong?
Are these reservoir feelings
or was it real all along?
I miss your eyes,
the feel of your skin.
His smell's not you,
his smiles not yours.
Was I wrong?
Was I ready?
Am I too late?
Are you gone?

The funniest break up ever!!

Have you ever been broken up with by someone you were never serious with? Isn't it funny how people infer different things are going on? Communication people!! Stop inferring and start communicating. Trust me, it keeps you from looking like an ass in the long run :)

Last night a guy I've been out with a handful of times came over to my place. We were having a general conversation and I happen to notice he's got "serious face" on. I ask "Why so sad?" his reply. . . "There's something I need to tell you"

Now stop right there - any girl who has had these 7 words spoken to her knows what was running through my head *enter worse case scenario here*

I got, "I really think your more into this than I am." Shut the front door kid! You must be smoking the good weed, cause this one has been dating two other guys at the same time and has YET to start harboring the relationship feelings for any of you.

So I let him finish about how he's not falling in love with me, even though I'm such a great person and good kisser (very talented ;)) But I had to stop him before I started laughing and tell him the truth. . . "Not sure where you got these ideas from Hun, but this is just some casual fun for me!"

Wow!!! How awkward right?!? Not to mention, in the middle of all this he said we can still be friends, even friends with benefits!! So funny.
He did stay for about an hour longer, no not to solidify the "benefits" part of our new friendship but just talking.
After he left I couldn't help but think, "Wow this sucks, I just got broken up with before I was even a part of something to break!"

Anyone else been in on a relationship that wasn't. I just think I have to figure out what signals I'm sending out that make people think I'm sprung over them. . .

Making 2010 My "I DID IT" year.

I was reading an article last night, about the power of positive affirmation.
This article talked about not making "resolutions" but promises to yourself, and when the motivation is lacking giving yourself a pep talk and a positive affirmation.
I've never been one for self help books, or the power of positive, but this article really hit me. After all, it is all about me. I make my decisions, I live my life, and the only person who is really affected if I fail is me. So why not make myself proud. Give myself a leg up and fulfill the promises I make to myself.

So I am making 2010 my "I did it!" year. Im going to do more things for myself. Treat my body better, i.e. losing the weight I got being complacent. Treat my mind better by going back to school and working hard, reading more and TV/Movies less. Treat my pocketbook better, no more splurging on things I don't need, and TRYING to get some savings back. Treat my friends better, by being there when they need, being supportive and opening up to new experiences and people. NO MORE EXCUSES to keep to myself.

This is my I did it year. Wish me luck!

Learning

It's hard to learn that sometimes we're not as strong as we pretend;
That the psyche is easily broken, hearts and hopes crushed to easy.

Its hard to learn that forgiveness, however admirable, is really just
a second chance to break your spirit, and love is just figment of the
imagination.

Its hard learning your not what you always had planned;
that life doesn't follow a blueprint, that dreams are simply that,
and life is really only about living.

Update on the home front

So its been an interesting couple of weeks. Thought I needed a new job, ready to can it all and see about moving back to the country and all those Karma points got cashed in.

For those who are thinking the recession hasn't hit Utah. . . so wrong. Feeling it in the Vet world these days. Because of that work had to cut some hours, and that left me feeling very anxious and sick to my stomach for two weeks. Well as of today I'm going to be okay. All those out there who were worried, and kept me and my struggles in your mind, I love and appreciate it so much, more than you will ever know. I'm not going to say thanks and I don't need the thoughts, but more, keep em' coming. My life will be stable for now, we'll just have to see how the next few weeks pan out.

My family - I love you! I miss you!
Lynn

Haunted

I wade continuous in my own thoughts

as the sun sleeps on the other side of tomorrow

in hours where my body may be tired

but I am alive in waking dreams

From outside my lucidity in the fog and shadow

that is where your ghost and memories

come to haunt me

Would anyone believe that here secluded

I breathe in your smell and see the striking blue within your eyes

With my senses numb to all that envelopes me

I feel your soft fingers grasping onto mine

Why when the bright morning breaks the silence

do you fade away

Taking all I was and leaving me

dead in waking dreams

I'd be me

The things we could take back,

Had we known how it would end.

Crushed with the silence of September,

As autumn chilled the spine.

Grasping for reason and searching for truth

Running away, and hiding from you

Plans up in smoke

As the mountains turned to fire

Unable to breathe and

Lost because I couldn’t see

So quick to feel and so slow to think

Heartbreak abounding with sanity unraveling

Anger a summer night, and love the fall

It was easy, and so was I

Who were we then

In the long nights of whenever

Foolish children for thinking forever

Dropped tears on gravel and the miles between

Just running away from feeling

Trying to find what was once me

Now we can’t share what’s hidden

There are lies of fine and free

The things we could take back

Had we known how it would end

I wouldn’t let you pierce so deep

And never let you see

I’d be less of us, and more of me.