So I have had a conversation with a few people lately on why I have given up on Love and wanted to share it.
I would really like to be one of those people who does well in a relationship. Someone like my parents who have made it 30+ years together, but I just don't see that for myself.
Some think I'm a pessimist when it comes to Love, I prefer the term realist. Just taking a cross section of my friends (and there is no judgements being made just observations)
1-Best friend from college, moved to another state and lived with her boyfriend, had issues had to move out
2-Sorority sister, I was a brides maid at her wedding less then 2 years in and shes divorced
3-My own sister dated and lived with her boyfriend for 3 years before getting married, less than
2 years into that one, divorced
4-One of my favorite girls cousins from my dads side. Married and divorced with two kids before the age of 25.
5-Friend at work comes home early one night, after (i think) 5 years of marriage HES IN BED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!!!
I could go on, but let me ask you this -
Who wants to try for a relationship, when all you see around you are people who claim their in love, but yet that love isn't strong enough to last more than a few years? Is it just society that makes us so anxious for something new? Are we jumping to fast into commitments we can't really make?
I just don't wanna chance my sanity on that. I want to be happy, I want a life that means something, but what I don't want is to waist my time on some fabrication of what LOVE has become.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Its just that time of the year. . .
So a lot of my friends and family have been asking me lately. . ."whats with the attitude? whats wrong everything okay?" Well my answer, "its just that time of the year."
I've never been one for the holidays, even as a kid waking up at 4 am to see what Santa had brought me wasn't at the top of my list or even encroaching on the top 20. But sure enough year after year my sister would come wake me so we could sneak in the living room together. I love gift giving, and gift receiving don't get me wrong, but there is just something else about this time of year that really chaps my a$$.
Why does everything have to be a date event? Thanksgiving with the family we all go to my grandmothers house everyone shows up, all my cousins with their kids, my sisters family with her teenagers and husband, my brother and his wife with their son (who just happens to be the cutest baby in Utah - no joke he won the award from a magazine) then enter my last sister and her boyfriend. No one says anything but the looks are all there. . . "Wheres Lynn's boyfriend?" ***Lynn doesn't have a boyfriend, hasn't since early spring.
Alright fast forward, its Christmas time, I live in Salt Lake. My sister is in love with the lights at temple square and wants to go see them, but wait, "Who ya gonna ask to go Lynn?"
*** No one. . haven't been on a date since early spring.
New years - thank god I have to work, I could see this happening just they same way not only my family but all my friends, we get together do the ball drop, and then the awkward, "Who's Lynn with?"
I've never been one for the holidays, even as a kid waking up at 4 am to see what Santa had brought me wasn't at the top of my list or even encroaching on the top 20. But sure enough year after year my sister would come wake me so we could sneak in the living room together. I love gift giving, and gift receiving don't get me wrong, but there is just something else about this time of year that really chaps my a$$.
Why does everything have to be a date event? Thanksgiving with the family we all go to my grandmothers house everyone shows up, all my cousins with their kids, my sisters family with her teenagers and husband, my brother and his wife with their son (who just happens to be the cutest baby in Utah - no joke he won the award from a magazine) then enter my last sister and her boyfriend. No one says anything but the looks are all there. . . "Wheres Lynn's boyfriend?" ***Lynn doesn't have a boyfriend, hasn't since early spring.
Alright fast forward, its Christmas time, I live in Salt Lake. My sister is in love with the lights at temple square and wants to go see them, but wait, "Who ya gonna ask to go Lynn?"
*** No one. . haven't been on a date since early spring.
New years - thank god I have to work, I could see this happening just they same way not only my family but all my friends, we get together do the ball drop, and then the awkward, "Who's Lynn with?"
Monday, December 8, 2008
One more I really like
~The Best Book Never Read~ 2004
Its not just the broken heart that hurts
there's the disapointment hidden in their eyes,
a constant echo of critisism ringing in my ears
and even more cuts to make the lows out weigh the highs
so much pain in the continual tears
the melancholy blue pool
surrounding a large black hole
is no longer a window
but a place to begin building up the wall
its somewhere I can hide secrets
no one should know
to eager to love someone,
to hold up my gaurd
all to soon at putting the lies aside
I was ready to pretend my heart still existed
to put back together my shattered pride
It's continually on my mind
as to why its always me whos not good enough
and when oposing views are layed out
I cant muster the courage to rebuff
Im guilty for all the encouraging lies
the ones that say "thats fine," or "im okay,"
should i tell them?
because its been so long with me hiding
all i never dared to say its all over-
the perfect relationship with my imagination
there will be no happy ending
for the best book never read
but instead will end with a broken heart,
shattered pride
and one less lover left alive
Its not just the broken heart that hurts
there's the disapointment hidden in their eyes,
a constant echo of critisism ringing in my ears
and even more cuts to make the lows out weigh the highs
so much pain in the continual tears
the melancholy blue pool
surrounding a large black hole
is no longer a window
but a place to begin building up the wall
its somewhere I can hide secrets
no one should know
to eager to love someone,
to hold up my gaurd
all to soon at putting the lies aside
I was ready to pretend my heart still existed
to put back together my shattered pride
It's continually on my mind
as to why its always me whos not good enough
and when oposing views are layed out
I cant muster the courage to rebuff
Im guilty for all the encouraging lies
the ones that say "thats fine," or "im okay,"
should i tell them?
because its been so long with me hiding
all i never dared to say its all over-
the perfect relationship with my imagination
there will be no happy ending
for the best book never read
but instead will end with a broken heart,
shattered pride
and one less lover left alive
For your reading enjoyment
~Devil in My Head~ 2008
There's a demon that breeds during the darkness
A spawn of the witching hour,
breathing life into its paranoia lungs
bleeding fear that pools behind blood shot eyes.
Becoming a corpse, a remnant of a once vibrant host.
Small noises become voices,
echo's playing hide and seek.
Footsteps in barren hallways
and doors that open with no force. . .
The demon's here
in the dark. . .
faceless, haunting, captivating.
And spewing dementia
forcing torture on a tireless prisoner.
Call out it's name, face its terror
or run once, and insomnia will follow you
forever.
~White Noise~ 2006
What I need is to drown out the white noise in life.
The constant echo behind my eyes,
Laying in the in-between of what was once,
a completely different something
Life and love, hate and lust are all but blurred inside my ears
A reflective glare, of a brightly imprinted, colored past
The ghosts inside my room, haunting my walls
And an empty pillow where sleep no longer stays
Ever waking, and walking. Pacing the hallway
That echo in my eyes
Fighting its way out with every painful tear
I want no longer to be confined inside the walls I have always known
To break free will I do whats expected, or go further than myself
Along this path, carved in flesh and carpet
Can I find a hymn to help cover the sound
Constantly there, eternally sounding
The white noises, all the crazy, all lonely, all the everything my life has become
What I need is something, that point just passed the second star
My own eternal never-land,
where I don't have to move on
where I can just be
~The Long Drive~ 2006
I took the long drive today
Out to the lake
I watched the whitecaps break
As the wind tossed the water
The green inland sea
Fought hard as is was thrown
By the rain that beat it
Oh so violently
My mind feels Just that way
Being tossed and beaten
As I contemplate today
Where do I go
When childhood is over
Do I run like the water
Or do I stand firm
As the rocks it lands upon
I'm free as the wind
That pushes the waves
And as careless
As the breaking caps
Lost between here and there
No shore to anchor my direction
Does my future start
When the rain stops
And I'm left As the lake at rest
Ill just stay here
Waiting for sunset
As the tide tucks in the beach
Leave my confusion
Leave my frustration
To all to sink within the inland sea
~Broken~ 2005
a broken child now hangs her head
with a mind so full of his memory
shes tried so hard to forget
the endless days of summer
they spent enveloped in each other
have passed away to cold mornings
of a long awaited winter
at night she dreams
splint glances at a fraudulent past
and awakes to the daily reality
of a childhood taken much to fast
to tearful regret she writes
wanting to push it behind her
no comforting words can she find
in writing the heart that deceived her
through the sand of hours
time will pass away
with each moment that turns
a comeback of faith also may
with searching tears she'll find her answer
and prayerful hands shall bring her closer
hes out there doing just the same she knows
finding condolence
and learning to grow
although it haunts them both with increasing power
to overcome it,
that will be
faith and diligence' finest hour
~You and Me~ 2005
it was as i sat on the shore
watching the sun be put to sleep
that i thought of the dreams
the ones i no longer have
the ones of you and me
they were blurred
only bits and pieces
the happy moments spent between
the hurt you caused me
i laid on my back as the sky went black
trying to erase them all
the future and the plans
the ones of you and me
i shut my eyes and cried the tear's
felt the pain as my heart broke to pieces
for the lies you always told me
one last dream
one last thought
one last lie
one last moment
no more you and me
There's a demon that breeds during the darkness
A spawn of the witching hour,
breathing life into its paranoia lungs
bleeding fear that pools behind blood shot eyes.
Becoming a corpse, a remnant of a once vibrant host.
Small noises become voices,
echo's playing hide and seek.
Footsteps in barren hallways
and doors that open with no force. . .
The demon's here
in the dark. . .
faceless, haunting, captivating.
And spewing dementia
forcing torture on a tireless prisoner.
Call out it's name, face its terror
or run once, and insomnia will follow you
forever.
~White Noise~ 2006
What I need is to drown out the white noise in life.
The constant echo behind my eyes,
Laying in the in-between of what was once,
a completely different something
Life and love, hate and lust are all but blurred inside my ears
A reflective glare, of a brightly imprinted, colored past
The ghosts inside my room, haunting my walls
And an empty pillow where sleep no longer stays
Ever waking, and walking. Pacing the hallway
That echo in my eyes
Fighting its way out with every painful tear
I want no longer to be confined inside the walls I have always known
To break free will I do whats expected, or go further than myself
Along this path, carved in flesh and carpet
Can I find a hymn to help cover the sound
Constantly there, eternally sounding
The white noises, all the crazy, all lonely, all the everything my life has become
What I need is something, that point just passed the second star
My own eternal never-land,
where I don't have to move on
where I can just be
~The Long Drive~ 2006
I took the long drive today
Out to the lake
I watched the whitecaps break
As the wind tossed the water
The green inland sea
Fought hard as is was thrown
By the rain that beat it
Oh so violently
My mind feels Just that way
Being tossed and beaten
As I contemplate today
Where do I go
When childhood is over
Do I run like the water
Or do I stand firm
As the rocks it lands upon
I'm free as the wind
That pushes the waves
And as careless
As the breaking caps
Lost between here and there
No shore to anchor my direction
Does my future start
When the rain stops
And I'm left As the lake at rest
Ill just stay here
Waiting for sunset
As the tide tucks in the beach
Leave my confusion
Leave my frustration
To all to sink within the inland sea
~Broken~ 2005
a broken child now hangs her head
with a mind so full of his memory
shes tried so hard to forget
the endless days of summer
they spent enveloped in each other
have passed away to cold mornings
of a long awaited winter
at night she dreams
splint glances at a fraudulent past
and awakes to the daily reality
of a childhood taken much to fast
to tearful regret she writes
wanting to push it behind her
no comforting words can she find
in writing the heart that deceived her
through the sand of hours
time will pass away
with each moment that turns
a comeback of faith also may
with searching tears she'll find her answer
and prayerful hands shall bring her closer
hes out there doing just the same she knows
finding condolence
and learning to grow
although it haunts them both with increasing power
to overcome it,
that will be
faith and diligence' finest hour
~You and Me~ 2005
it was as i sat on the shore
watching the sun be put to sleep
that i thought of the dreams
the ones i no longer have
the ones of you and me
they were blurred
only bits and pieces
the happy moments spent between
the hurt you caused me
i laid on my back as the sky went black
trying to erase them all
the future and the plans
the ones of you and me
i shut my eyes and cried the tear's
felt the pain as my heart broke to pieces
for the lies you always told me
one last dream
one last thought
one last lie
one last moment
no more you and me
Really bad at this
If there is anything I have come to realize, its that I am a horrible blogger. For someone so talkative as me it's surprizing. But something I do enjoy (which I have no idea if im good at) is writing my little blurbs of what I call poetry. . . so im going to post a back log of some of my work. . .just to see what response I get from people, cause i'd really like to know what you all think. So next post in a few minutes will be some of my original work. . . you all enjoy it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)